Wednesday, 20 April 2011
day 3 of intermittent hell
Today after a near reaching 11 hours in the library, not really sure exactly the impact that has had on me, it did in fact make me feel like i was levitating, as if an innate power had conquered the gravity beneath my spine. And then i realised it was not God but red bull and pro plus.
Monday, 18 April 2011
two weeks of dissertation solitude. I hope to remember this for the rest of my life.
Rule number 1. never give up. Ironically if that means staying sat in the same position until deadline, then so be it. You are allowed to day dream, who is around to stop you? This is where the tricks with yourself start to emerge, you are on your own. your own demon.
So, in the process of day dreaming i began to reminisce about the person i wanted to be while i was growing up. I think the fact I am staying in my family home maybe partially culprit. Anyway, i started to look at the walls around me and thought deeply about the hard work my parents had fuelled into this house so much that the dead rooms became suffocated with a white noise. It is almost as if history is scratched into the bricks, circulating an invisible film strip.
I decided two things. (in fact i decided four but the other two will have to be inscribed on my forehead before they prove themselves) 1. who was i fooling? when we grow up we usually take the first thing we see and follow in it’s footsteps. This energy between these rooms i can feel makes it hard to forget the simple morals i was taught, and i begin to feel almost guilty for my spineless unruled behaviour in almost the last 4 years. I start to slow down and feel reassured as i remember the person i was meant to be from just retracing the hard work that had put me here in the first place. Not my hard work, but the small indentures from others. We must remember the small things because it makes us who we are. I tend to look at the bigger picture. This is never a practical thing and it is almost never foreplays itself in reality. There we are, be real. yes it is a cliche but if you de-abstract it, it’s pretty straight forward.
2. We all have talent but we just need. we just need to find the right environment to help it blossom. A vegetable is not tasty if it is under cooked or over cooked or a flower might never grow in the right heat or die in the wrong heat.
3. i then created this thought in my head. well in fact it was an image. It’s funny when you think of what thoughts actually are, are they images or words for different people? is a day dream this too? i will have to draw it to give it justice but i realised we cannot always find love, we have to be lucky and it is something like ladders and scales. my image was of boy girl boy girl (no particular order, may have been girl boy, girl, boy) facing away from each other single filed up a steep hill. (It might make it easier if you visualise a pandering heart rendered expression of the one before the other as they climb up the hill.) In the centre of the hill boy girl are facing each other and then the line continues each facing in front of the other. (still pandering, couple of tongues hanging out. one is sobbing) Another cliche, but think about it, it is true.. look familiar?
4. respect and love yourself, sometimes it is very nice to build yourself in a cuccoon from the world and breathe in it. This might make you a nicer person to be around in the outside world
5. and steph please just decide what it is you want to do, i am bored of this now.
also i need to quickly add something in this post, 6. always quote things and never forget. I love to read. and thought remain in my head until the day they become relevant again. I just remembered a beautiful quote from a book but would definitely become a paraphrase if i tried to re-cite it. It was something like, words stay forever. We don’t. This is why knowledge is so important. (even if it is someone elses) also this is why organisation is so important, it gives respect to the knowledge, it prunes and shapes it. it resources the knowledge.
Sorry that these six points were not actually two. and also they are not exactly anything near the initial thoughts of reason.
So, in the process of day dreaming i began to reminisce about the person i wanted to be while i was growing up. I think the fact I am staying in my family home maybe partially culprit. Anyway, i started to look at the walls around me and thought deeply about the hard work my parents had fuelled into this house so much that the dead rooms became suffocated with a white noise. It is almost as if history is scratched into the bricks, circulating an invisible film strip.
I decided two things. (in fact i decided four but the other two will have to be inscribed on my forehead before they prove themselves) 1. who was i fooling? when we grow up we usually take the first thing we see and follow in it’s footsteps. This energy between these rooms i can feel makes it hard to forget the simple morals i was taught, and i begin to feel almost guilty for my spineless unruled behaviour in almost the last 4 years. I start to slow down and feel reassured as i remember the person i was meant to be from just retracing the hard work that had put me here in the first place. Not my hard work, but the small indentures from others. We must remember the small things because it makes us who we are. I tend to look at the bigger picture. This is never a practical thing and it is almost never foreplays itself in reality. There we are, be real. yes it is a cliche but if you de-abstract it, it’s pretty straight forward.
2. We all have talent but we just need. we just need to find the right environment to help it blossom. A vegetable is not tasty if it is under cooked or over cooked or a flower might never grow in the right heat or die in the wrong heat.
3. i then created this thought in my head. well in fact it was an image. It’s funny when you think of what thoughts actually are, are they images or words for different people? is a day dream this too? i will have to draw it to give it justice but i realised we cannot always find love, we have to be lucky and it is something like ladders and scales. my image was of boy girl boy girl (no particular order, may have been girl boy, girl, boy) facing away from each other single filed up a steep hill. (It might make it easier if you visualise a pandering heart rendered expression of the one before the other as they climb up the hill.) In the centre of the hill boy girl are facing each other and then the line continues each facing in front of the other. (still pandering, couple of tongues hanging out. one is sobbing) Another cliche, but think about it, it is true.. look familiar?
4. respect and love yourself, sometimes it is very nice to build yourself in a cuccoon from the world and breathe in it. This might make you a nicer person to be around in the outside world
5. and steph please just decide what it is you want to do, i am bored of this now.
also i need to quickly add something in this post, 6. always quote things and never forget. I love to read. and thought remain in my head until the day they become relevant again. I just remembered a beautiful quote from a book but would definitely become a paraphrase if i tried to re-cite it. It was something like, words stay forever. We don’t. This is why knowledge is so important. (even if it is someone elses) also this is why organisation is so important, it gives respect to the knowledge, it prunes and shapes it. it resources the knowledge.
Sorry that these six points were not actually two. and also they are not exactly anything near the initial thoughts of reason.
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